Friday, 8 May 2015

The Diary of David Cameron

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Readers of Nerdpit - I have recently received some highly secretive information. A top contact that Nerdpit usually uses for its music information and nerdy goodness has undergone a highly dangerous mission to retrieve the Diary of David Cameron - to see how the Prime Minister goes about his business. All information relayed by me, to you, is 100% accurate and in no way parody - so without further delay I present the Diary of David Cameron.

5:30am - Eyes open

5:35am - Second set of eyelids open.

Source

5:45 - Check on Nick, he's not been sleeping through the night these days, getting nightmares of the commoners voting him out.
 
"Nick, NICK! Stop falling asleep while we're trying to shaft the poor!" source
6:30am - Spent 30 minutes braiding Nicks hair while he put his Spine in - it's been in my cupboard for 5 years now and we're letting him have it lately. He needs it to be a big boy for the election.

8am - Join the designated human Rupert Murdoch says will win me votes for being "married" - an unknown human concept that I'm more than happy to go along with - for Breakfast.

9:37am - Look into the Mirror, fully naked and basking in my resplendence, devising new insults towards Ed Miliband and his hilariously waxwork-esque face (Good one Dave, I'll use that on during PMQ's)

11am - Throw out some mild sexism at Prime Ministers Questions
 
Source

12:30pm - Board a train up, arriving North of the Wall. Shall I need a guard? I've heard ghastly stories about the rotters and sharing a train with the plebs only serves to terrify me further....

2pm - Begin campaigning the City of Hull, and surrounding towns, or as the rest of our party calls them - slums.

2:30 - Talk to a delightful young girl about the benefits of a privatised NHS, an underfunded welfare system and turning a lower class against one another - the child is riveted! 

Source

3pm - Watch Old Chum Gideon on the Television, explaining to the commoners that he understands their pain - recently his Papa cut his trust fund! The Ghastly swine - Never worry, Dave shall increase MP expenses to compensate....by cutting benefits for the poor again! 

4pm - Oh golly, Gideon has revealed himself to be above the level that the scum see as their equals...

Source
6pm - Arrive back in London for Paxman interview - surely the man isn't as frightful as they say! 

6:42pm - Dinnertime! Tonights selection - 3 white field mice, to be eaten via jaw unhinging beyond the eyes of any commoners who may see...

7:15pm - Arrive for makeup before interview with Paxman, unfortunately the make up artist cannot suitably capture my good side - or my human side for that matter.

8pm - Suffer memory loss on National Television

Source
8:01 - Soil ones self.

9pm - Embark home - for time the press believe is spent with "family" - in reality myself, Rupert, Gideon, and Nick discuss further plans to build a shower solely ran on the tears of the poor.

10pm - Off to sleepsies - dreaming of Maggie Thatcher's resurrection once I break the commoners spirits for good!
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